Sunday 30 December 2007

39 resume 2007: great!!!!!

Its 0.59 now and a few minutes ago I wrote down my New Year Resolution.
I DO NOT KNOW.
Great.
But I forgot the summary of last year. Somewhere in the depth of my PC one could find the New year resolutions of last year. Could, anybody could find them, but alas not me.
Do I remember them?
No, I dont know. But I have a hunch I was not able to reach any of my goals.
I reached other goals. I am a hiker, not a traveller.

38. New year resolution 2008

The river flows on and and on.

Do you know her destination?

I will swim, crawl like hell.

Where to? I do not care. I do not know.

"I do not know." Delicious motto.

Good resolution

Sunday 23 December 2007

37 Jesus on Ice and Argentina 1: yearning and longing

One day before Christmas eve. Sunday.
I am completely cooped up in my house. The street along the Lake is glazed by frost. The Lake itself is frozen. But the surface is too thin to escape, especially for this chunky boy. A dense fog envelops the world.
Living in a cocoon.
It is 11.15 now and I witness a miracle. Somebody walking over the water just 20 meters from the place where I overlook the lake. No, not the Holy One- it takes one day anyway before he will be born.
A duck. Slipping and sliding with huge feet. Skating? Its bill is black and the blue green on its wings hits my eyes.
He stands still. Waves its head. Is he greeting me? Or is it a she? Before I know the answer she or he is moving into the mist.
"Good morning mister duck."
I wonder: did it freeze when the Holy One walked over the water? Or must we really consider it a miracle?

And how about the miracle I was looking for when I started my trip to Argentina?
I started off to look for happiness, for Shangri La, for the Promised Land. Did I reach it?

11.23 The sun is coming in. Gives birth to a silver world. Two swans skim over the grey and blueish surface of the frozen Lake. Inside the house the smell of Senseocoffee. The sound of Skyradio and its tear jerking Rosanna. The singer can not get her, so much seems clear.

But what about Argentinia?
I never went to Argentinia. Of course. One day I was listening to a song of an Italian emigrant. He is on his way to the promised land:Argentinia. The ship that will bring him is in mid-ocean. The sky is covered with stars. Overwhelming. And he cries out his hope for a better future and his sadness over the loved ones he left behind. Explosive set of feelings. Root of the Tango.
And just like Slauerhoff I left my home and started living in The House At the Lake.

Slauerhoff the dutch poet and novelist was a " yearning specialist". He left home and not always
lwithout the sweet influende of opium, he went to Shangri La, to China. Writing the most moving poems. All Rosanna-like: about the unreachable key to happiness.

Not long ago a met a young man from Shangri La, China.
"Are you happy?"I asked.
"No. No. I am not happy. I am completely in love with a girl from Chengdu. But not possible. Thousand kilometers between us. I long for her, I yearn for her, every minute of the day."
"But you are married?"
"Yes?"
"Do you love your wife."
"Of course, 2 children. I am happy. But I miss her."
"Who?"
"My girl in Chengdu."

Also helped by a beautiful essay of Camus, by a letter of one of my sons I slowly rediscovered that no Promised land can be the key to my happiness. That the happiness lies in the sensual experiences that can hit you: the colours, the funny daily things. Work and passion. I am a great yearner and I dimmed this habit. There is no person more important than me. Nobody can make me happy. I am the only one. No postponement of happiness. Daily target.
So I am on my own and make it a habit to enjoy it. The Slauerhoffian yearning in the end is a shallow exercise.

I like working. For Schouten&Nelissen in whatever capacity. I deeply enjoy the cooperation with
Anne, Ton, Henri, Marcel, Gonnie, Dineke, Lonneke, Theo, Vera, Chris. and the many persons I am working with. We are always on a creating track. Not dreaming. Practical. Often succesful. I love them. I feel accepted. I enjoy the way they value my contribution. I enjoy my passion.

And I finished my novel. And I will have it published this year.

But what fired my yearning? And what about love? What about living together.
Next time.
I will dig out the answers from under the Christmas tree.

Saturday 22 December 2007

36 Zad Moultaka: peace war and children

Last year a bloody war between Israel and Libanon.
My friend Zad Moultaka is Lebanese. He is a warchild, struck by the atrocities in Libanon in the
eighties.
He is composer now and we from Schouten&Nelissen invited him 2 years ago to direct his own work for an audience of 1200 at the famous Concerthall DE VERENIGING in Nijmegen Holland.
It was a moving, great concert.
But why did we invite him?
There is and was a lot of discussions over the Islam in Holland. Words words insults hate murder.
Zad has been educated in France as a professional composer and concertpianist and now his compositions are rooted in both cultures: his arab roots and western music tradition. So he tries
building bridges without words, hate and murder. I saw him again last weeks and listened to his
great symponic work at the CONCERTGEBOUW.

After the slaughter a year ago, where many innocent persons and children died, he wrote me this.
...c'est une periode tres difficile ou il faillit chaque jour lutter contre la haine et l' amertume,
lutter contre cette idee".. "l' ennemi c' est l' autre...
Quel autre?
La folie et la violence sont propres aux hommes et la mort se fout de l'identite des infants et des innocents.
Aujourd'hui la machine avide de sang semble rassessie, mais por combien de temps...?

Thinking of Zad, of the cruelties of war..the Anne Franks...the children in Lebanon, the massacres in China in the thirties, the unbelievable atrocities in past and present..I only have one wish:

Happy new year to all the children of the world.

(translation: in this difficult times one has to fight every day hate and bitterniss, fight against the idea" "the ennemy is the other". Which other? Madness and violenc are common to people
and death mocks the identoty of children and inncents...Today the cruel longing for blood seems quiet..but for how long..?)

Thursday 20 December 2007

35 people who care

There are a lot of nice people mailing me daily and expressing their desire to take care of me. I can not thank them all. I will confine me to those guests who tried to reach out towards me during my last stay in China. Their virtual presence was a great comfort. I do no need their care though, but how could they know? So I will thank them for their useless help, unasked for.
Of course, if you are male you will recognize them, if only by their colorful names.

So thank you, dank U wel lieve/dear Ely Benjamin, Bevon Chandria, Frase Theron, Karen Wilson, Kim Johnson, Fredeic Mogens, Thabatha Jones, Amy Williams, Susan Jones, Noreen Giffer, Dane Suvro, Arty Salah, Antonio Leison, Cleavland Nataranja, Jessey Ligouri, Holly Sasha, Antonio Leison, Maria Zhang, Agamemnon, Ellery Burton, Flynn Dagin, Glenn Dolly, Carol Curt, Dell Janjum, Glenville Jaikuma, Assa Mania, Alley Marcia, Jone Sharad, Alley Marcia, Dett van Katda, Timothy Bautista, Anni Frank, Narcissus Costa, Gwerry Chester, Bourke Jui Fen, Dany Balakin, Cain Bywell, Geno Men-Shen, Abby Gerd, Abdul Lowry, Samantha Ritter, Kendal Sal, Jeffry Helena, Pistel Grant, Clarborn Larinda....

I do not need their help...but they keep coming...please dear reader..if you meet one..shoot her or him.

Today the heavens gave Holland the first snow of the winter. Every tree silverlined.

Wednesday 19 December 2007

33 Na Hyo-Kab and his blue faced woman

See on the left the image of a 1 square meter painting.
Its the real face of the Chinese Woman that hides behind the elegant and pretty pretty manners. I have discovered it in real life. Not only in China but also in the dutch persons I care for.
Fierce. Strong. Vulnerable and yes there are sadness and scars but these never win from her strength.
The past is there. But she is heading for the future. Survivor.
And there is a promise too.
Sweet.
Also dangerous.

Who can tell me more about Na Hyo-Kab? The Japanese painter seems to work most of the time in China.

34. Cultural barbarist

I must confess:maybe I am a cultural barbarian. By this I mean: old culture does not interest me much. I tried to boost enthousiasm some degree of enthousiasm while visiting the sacred Chinese Temples of Culture, I honestly did. But for instance the Great Palaces do not move me. I try of course but after a short while I observe myzelf being entrapped by the study of the many Chinese Visitors around me. Its people what I am interested in. And I wonder: who are you, where you from, are you happy, what is your struggle in life.
And I ask: how do you bridge the villagelife where you are from and the big city where you live. How do you manage the omnipresent change around you, that huge creative deconstruction of the old environment. How do you reconcile the past with the ever changing presence. How do you cope.
Its this enormous challenge of every Chinese person that interests me.

So I am hunting Chinese painters that express this battle raging in the hearts of my Chinese
brothers and sisters, a rage conceiled by 1000 year old gentle and kind behavior.
I did not find many painters that moved me. But I am in the beginning of my query.