27 Birthday eve/ she de

00.40 hours . On my own, middle of the night. House at the Lake. Outside some distant lights deepen the blackness of the night. i Tunes gives me Bartoli in her newest set of aria's called Maria. I finished a glass of malt called the Balvenie, present of Gonnie. A bottle of Wasabi peanuts near by. They are strong and keep me awake while I type this Blog.

And I try to review the past year.
I memorize things gained: little pearls deepdown the river of consciousness, almost forgotten, dug into the mud of my history. I feel good. At the same time I look at life with the big eyes of a bewildered child. Its not chaos that surrounds me but a well contoured world that so often is not mine.

And I ponder about what I lost, or in the process of losing or fighting against losing.

I once met a 1000 year old Chinese Woman and at certain moments handpicked only by her self, she descends from her planet to visit me. So she does this night. She is sitting opposite me me, blocking the view of the lake. She is extremely agile and while her increasingly greying hair is waving likes the manes of a fiery litlle lion, she lectures me about "loss":

"Loss is destiny. But God is fair. There is Chinese word for it: SHE DE.
SHE means: give it away. DE means : gain something.."

"I don't understand? Whats the use?"

"Only if you can stand giving away you can get things back. So SHE and DE are closely related to each other."

And off she is. My room is empty as if she never visited me.

Can I stand giving away? Can I stand the pain caused by the misery of others?
Tomorrow is my birthday. What will I gain the coming year?

And how come, that just writing all this down refreshes my hope?